This past week a uniform thought has stuck with me since a Bible Study I attended, and that is the reality that I am not a good person. I am wretched, sinful and I bring nothing to the table. Having faith in Jesus has taught me that I am a sinner, destined for hell and beyond repair; however, Jesus died for me while I was his enemy so He could cure me of this disease, this irreversible flaw=sin. I know all of that, and yet I still find myself from time to time thinking "I'm a good person, or at least I'm better than some". I tell myself I don't feel that way, but truly my flesh is delusional to think I have a "one-up" on the rest of humanity. Until last night.
In a nutshell, last night I lived in the flesh. I turned into this ugly, selfish, self-righteous girl who was willing to say hurtful things and disrespect someone I love on the sole principle of being "right". In fact, I stuck to my guns so fervently that I dare say I didn't even recognize the girl I let myself become. There was no hint of Jesus, grace, humility or love...anywhere. What did I do? I went home, thinking I was the victim in this whole mess and went to bed.
Which lead to this morning. I woke up feeling terrible, physically, emotionally and just plain overwhelmingly sick. I thought "maybe I'll call in to work today" but figured I'd go, since it was payday. Getting ready for work and on my drive there I was in this fog of conviction...even my 30 minute shower couldn't cleanse me of the filth I felt clinging to my body. I tried to pray but felt like it wasn't genuine, I wasn't ready yet. I just wanted this feeling to go away, I wanted to go back and do things differently. I wanted to feel better about myself...cause I'm a good person, right?
Work was a good distraction, we were so busy. Between answering phones and talking to patients, I had little time to focus on my sin...until a older lady who has much less than I, pays for her and her husband's treatment and then opens her wallet and gives me the cash in her wallet. She leans in towards me and in a hushed voice says "I know it's not much, but I wanted to give you this for your mission trip to Australia". In that very moment the scales fell from my eyes as they welled up with tears and I saw Jesus, I saw the Gospel being lived out and I saw myself for who I am. A girl who is sick beyond a cure, terminally condemned by my sin and I felt so ashamed for the way I had acted and who I had been. All I could muster to say and think was "thank you but I don't deserve this". That's just it, I am so undeserving of all of this.
Jesus just used a woman to bless me with all she had, hours after I threw him under the bus and decided to live life my way. I am such a wretched soul and yet Jesus, who is infinitely more important, and who is unfathomably Holy, He not only gave his life for me, but He provided support for me to go serve him in Australia. And so I sit here realizing that I am completely undeserving of everything I've received...but He deserves it all, and I am a very grateful for his mercy.
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