It sounds so strange to say that I met both these persons in one entity; but until today, I had only heard rumors of their existence. Last week, we discussed the "Father Heart of God", or the characteristics that God has that are like a father (loving, trustworthy, comforter and provider). This week we have prayer week, which means we take our lecture time and our free time to pray and intercede for our teammates, family members, our future outreach acquaintances, among many others. With these two weeks combined, I've had a lot to process through. These are a few of my thoughts that lead up to the epic reconciliation of God as a Father and a Lover.
Sometimes, growing up in a Christian family we forget that it is not all about pursuing a moral Christian lifestyle, but it is about seeking God and everything else will follow. So unless I pursue God and cultivate a hunger for him, I will never grow or change. I will just continue to adopt new principles and repeat new mantras, but never get anywhere. Essentially, I will just be going through the motions. I don't know about you, but I've been there and done that...and I don't want to revisit it.
I also realized that I have been so "full" for so long, that I lost my hunger for God. Once I was filled with sin and things my flesh delighted in; but now, I am full of good things. All these "good things" that should be glorifying God, instead keep me too busy to even spend time with him. Things like my ministry, conversations and coffee dates with girls, chocolate, Internet, sleep and make up. All these things take me away from time spent with Jesus. I will gladly put them down to get to know Him better. I want my relationship with God to be intimate, active, filled with constant quality time and affirmation. He is such a wonderful father and loving savior.
Christianity without Jesus is so mundane, but a life with Christ is never boring. Today I realized I am so much like Martha in the Bible. I can hear Jesus saying: Sarah. Sarah, you are worried about so many things, but you do not come to my feet and be vulnerable before me...regardless of how it looks. Sarah you have been worried about the wrong things. So silently I prayed to God: "I want to know you love me from experience, not just by faith."
The speaker said that sometimes I can't hear God because of distortion. Meaning, I need vulnerability, I need to presume upon his love. I thought "What? Presume upon his love? I'm supposed to presume that God loves me the way He says He does? I'm supposed to presume this is all true?" A little voice inside of me answered, "Yes, you are!"
Okay...so I prayed this aloud: "I need to presume that you loves me a ridiculous amount. I need to presume that you delight in me and write me love letters. You know what is in my heart and soul. You are so proud of me. Your hand is on my head and you love to hug me and hold me in your arms. I want and I expect you to love me, practically, visibly and emotionally, in a way I can comprehend. You dance with me, you take the lead, you protect my heart and you hold me firmly but gently. You hold me up when I can't stand. You whisper in my ear when I need consolation. You give me words and thoughts when I am void and numb. You think I'm beautiful when I'm broken and bare. You sing to me just to make me smile. You lay with me when I can't sleep. You call me your own. You call me your daughter. You call me darling. You save your best portion for me. God I need all of you and you freely give yourself in every way. I'll take you in until I'm overflowing. I want to be filled with only you. I've always felt you but now I know that you are right in front of me. I want to look into your eyes and see them smile. I want to see the one who created me."
Then something amazing happened. God spoke to me through Tricia (a staff member). God stood next to me and asked if He could hold me. I said yes. He wrapped his arms around me tight, with one hand on my head, you whispered in my ear: "My arms are enough and my lap is wide enough to hold all of you. When you cry to me, I hear you. I'm always with you. I am so proud of you. I delight in you. You are never alone, I am always with you. You don't have to do this all by yourself anymore. I am here. I love you so much. You are so beautiful. You can trust me. You don't have to be scared of me. I love hugging you and holding you tight. I will never hurt you and I will never leave you. I love to see you smile." You continued to hold me and rock me and love me while I wept.
For the first time ever, I felt God in this way. I knew God as my Father and the Love of my life. God wants us to have a love that is deep, intimate, real and everlasting. He desires our relationship to be all-sustaining and never fading. I can't help but be thankful. Thankful that God waited for me all these years to find him. Thankful that my Daddy was so patient with his prodigal daughter. Thankful that God is so ready to forgive. But mostly grateful that He doesn't just love me, but He actually likes me as well.
I know for some reading this, it might be bizarre, uncomfortable, just a manipulation of my emotions, way out there, too charismatic :) or whatever else you may be feeling. In all honesty, when I arrived here 5 weeks ago I would have felt the same way...but not anymore. In this past month, I have seen God, felt God, and known God in ways that I didn't know were possible. Nothing crazy or miraculous; nothing that would stir up a scene. I realized, my westernized view of God was a very "cookie-cutter" one, where I just assumed that God was the Caucasian stained glass figure we all stared at on Sunday mornings or talked about in our Christians circles. But what i realized was that my God, my Jesus, is the God of the Old Testament and the New Testament. He has not changed. The same God that allowed Elijah to rain down fire and burn up a soaked sacrifice on a mountain top, and the same God took a man with a stutter and had him lead a holy nation out of Egypt's captivity...that is the God I serve. My God, my Savior, He heals people. He provides for people, sometimes practically and sometimes miraculously. He does things that I, in my comfy North American living, never thought still took place such as giving sight to the blind, allowing the cripple to walk, casting out demons and warding off evil spirits. If I believe that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, than why is that so hard to believe?
So my experience was a new and unusual one, but I can say with the utmost sincerity that it was as real as the sky is blue. I am so blessed to be here and I am so blessed by all the people who supported me in coming. Without your provisions, none of this would be possible. Please let me know if there is anything I can be praying for while I am here.
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